Sunday, January 29, 2017

out near the edge.


[all these days passed,
poor every year and housed by someone else
just got it figured out, just in time to come in from
being all out, all on the outskirts
i should have learned a more noble craft
more noble than the pen.]

in your living room we began to fight
the feelings that had us so confused.
we found we were fit to touch,
fit to taste, right
along the hem of your garment.
and we found our separate spaces,
and lamented the nights apart, but
how the grieving was so illogical
when we'd both be back soon enough.
the return of the prodigal daughters
and sons, round-tripping to the very brim of things,
cartwheeling along the edge without a faith to crutch on.

we never thought to say a prayer, or
call on the cross, or
do what we needed to do.
once we crossed the line
into this wild kingdom,
where there's no infirmary,
there's no yesterday,
and there's nothing any ghost,
holy or not, can do,
nothing they could have done
to bring us back.

maybe it wasn't just overnight,
but i had drunk of the blood
and i could not deny the taste.
i'd decided to leave the customs and gestures
and pageantry to the rest,
and let your delicate fingers lace up
these boots i'd rarely worn, dusted leather
shrouding the feet on which i'd march
to some haunting dirge,
the trilling of the battle drum,
and i'd let loose my cry of war -
let it slip right off the cuff.
we'd march together,
careening through the darkness,
driving through cold nights,
to choke the very life from the stars,
and inhale the dust,
to snuff the fire of the sun,
if any dared to pass between us.

what i held in my heart for so long,
i make no excuses for, and i dreamt and spoke of you
until we spoke and dreamed each other
under the covers, where we were bound to be,
after years of finding we were
bound by the secrets we kept from each other.

and so i severed this staccato prose,
and i tied it in a simple knot around my finger
lest i forget, lest i forget, lest i forget
and i severed all these strings of fate and serendipity,
and i tied it in a lover's knot around the neck of a beautiful girl

the devils not an excuse for the ways we'd let each other down.
but we won't be fooled by the ethereal, or just
modern art in deep disguise, we won't have been snared
by some other face - which one of you motherfuckers?

i tried to warn you
loving with hole in the side of your heart
i tried to warn you

loving is the whole of the law

and for years it was unrequited
but i'm quite glad it followed us
cartwheeling near the very edge of the abyss
and our eternity, if we'll just stay inside the lines,
or
we can plunge into the unfathomable together
i won't question the depths at all


Sunday, January 8, 2017

contrite.


i knew it when i saw it,
when i saw your hair had been cut short
i knew it when i saw you,
and i knew i didn't fit the bill,
i'm not what anyone would expect.
but you grandfathered me in, anyway.
and i was contrite but
i'd never intended to change.

over all these years,
the only thing i'd ever felt constantly
was your absence.

all that time, i'd hide my eyes
in my bootlaces and
say, i'm only human, babe.
and i'd disappoint my appointments,
15 years of fucking around with these old ideas
and i'd lapse into solipsistic moments
and my phone wouldn't ring.

i'd watch my pencils shaking out lines
in this atlas,
needle shaking a finger at me,
when i had relationships to mend
but still north.
i knew the direction when i started,
not that i'd ever put any faith
in a scripted fate.
but i'd run away.
and i was repentant,
but i never thought i'd change.

i knew it when i checked back in
on all my setbacks, and i looked for new
outcomes, that you wouldn't be home -
and i'd laugh at myself like i was your home.
and i'd lapse into a new existential crisis
and my phone wouldn't ring.

you were gone so long,
and i never learned,
you were gone every time i checked in.

as if i needed a reminder.

you can open your eyes now, girl
we're home.

and i only want what you want,
i only want to rest assured,
i only want to rest with you -

and live
        like we are the last two
            until it's all faded
              and all the waters we thought were drowning us
                 have evaporated