Thursday, October 30, 2014

it started with french for ten.

Some people will never face this dilemma. These people will say that it’s all part of God’s design and that’s fine.
But the rest of us, we’re left to decide on which side of the faded line we’re standing, if fate and circumstance have already collided.
We’re left stacking our decisions on a makeshift house of cards, atop a foundation of flimsy and capricious words like chance and destiny;
Reminded of the hopeless, cheap, ephemeral nature of life burning under a star amidst a sea of other stars just like the one we count on to show its face day to day. 
Am I to be reminded of some vast, interconnected array of unknowable beings and providence that thrust this situation upon me?
Or am I once again awarded with the unavoidable intersection of coincidence and serendipity that would have us face-to-face again?


      I don't know what to say to you.
      For me, the smoke break is an afterthought. I don't know if this process is reversed for you.


What was I thinking when I saw you framed in that doorway the first time? 
Maybe the circumstances surrounding this meeting aren't important.


What am I thinking when I see you framed in that doorway from day to day?
You and I both know something the other doesn't, that's for sure. 

Well.
I'm foolish with words like fate. 

Maybe we checked out a long time ago - maybe that's what's so important about this thing. 

Maybe this unusual and preternatural dance we're performing under a swarming sea of bees and daylight is all we're meant for. 

Maybe as fate or chance or circumstance or providence or some other clever destiny phenomena (you pick) would have it, we're meant for more. 
All I really know now is that I don't want this dance. 
I want it all.
And maybe that's another instance of selfishness, but I've become acutely aware that I can't second guess my heart anymore without consequence.
And what's wrong with being selfish in this case? Philosophy is a singles game.

Maybe for a few more days. Maybe while we spin and careen through this small space, haunted by the distance between the outer rings, and us in the very center.

Well, where do we start, when we're already in the middle of things?