Tuesday, January 14, 2014

not qualified.

I know most therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and other champions of the mental health discipline frown haughtily upon self-diagnosis, especially where "screening tests" on the internet are involved
(Read: Hypchondria via WebMD, et. al.), but I think I've more or less come to the conclusion that I am categorically bipolar.

I've faced a marked disinterest in the following things, sometimes immediately subsequent to an insatiable lust for the same things; things like sex, an active social life, the ability to even clean my house, exercise, and an interest in my future (just to name a few.)

Sometimes, I feel like I just enter a fugue state where my consciousness is totally independent of my entire routine. My alarm clock still works, and I can still get to my job and perform it, but the edge of things like creativity and joy are just not there. I feel irritable and hostile toward people that don't deserve it, for no apparent reason other than just that some switch was flipped in my mind.

On the other hand, some days I feel like there aren't enough people to talk to, enough feminine figures to look at, or enough tasks to be completed in a single day to the utmost of my ability.

My work is inconsistent at best because of the changing of tides in my sense of well-being. I feel general discontent and sadness; at least that's what I think I feel. It just feels.

Sometimes, I feel nothing. I feel hollow and empty and I want to get back to my house and lie on the couch in the dark, with the shades drawn, and not answer my phone.

To add to the interest, I feel a constant anxiety which I think is really amplified by am increasingly unhealthy caffeine habit. I wake up to 5 hour energy and consume Monster throughout the day like it's water. It leads to gross headaches, listlessness, insomnia, and an emergent sense of impending ... something.
Adrenal fatigue day in and day out can't be good for bran chemistry. Neither can that much caffeine and other stimulants be good for the cardiovascular system. And I smoke.

My excuse is that the caffeine and cigarettes, the milligrams of tar, are vestiges of a far more dangerous (to my general well-being, not just my health) set of vices and villainy. If it's the worst thing I'm doing, it can't be all that bad right? Well, I challenge you to try a week of smoking menthol cigarettes and matching this caffeine intake. It will break you. It has me.

It's really very strange to feel disinterested in everything, not knowing how you feel or what's wrong. It's odd to feel detached and not feel anything. For everything to lose its luster. For the beauty and color to drain out of everything.

And then to go back to loving everything and everyone and being the champion, and being invulnerable and brilliant and charming.

So, ups and downs and a real emotional rollercoaster with no precipitating events attached to either end of the manic/depressive spectrum. Yeah, I think it's safe to self diagnose.

Just give me medicine, prescribe me anything.